School isn’t for everyone (especially not you). So whaddya gonna do about it? I’ll tell you what.

1. Show up late for your first class. Tell the professor you got lost looking for your underwear. When he gives you a weird look, admit with relief that you finally found it in his wife’s purse. Do not apologize.
2. Show up late for all subsequent classes. Consistent tardiness shows a steadfast commitment to failure (this will assist you with failing in other aspects of your life as well).
3. Eat Doritos the entire class. Crinkle the bag. A lot. Under NO circumstances will you chew with your mouth closed. Burp at least twice.
4. When the professor asks for your assignment from last night, fold your arms and declare proudly, “I gave your MOM an assignment last night!”
5. When the professor asks you to open your World History book and turn to page 278, it is vitally important that you open your Physics book and turn to page 342.
6. On second thought, disregard No. 5—there’s no fucking way you would ever have a Physics book.
7. Every time the professor has a question for the class, snicker.
8. When the professor asks (and he will), “Is there something you’d like to share with the class,” say, “Yes.” Then stand up, calmly unzip your pants and say, “Mah DICK!”
9. If it’s an early class and you’re pretty tired from giving the professor’s mom her assignment last night, feel free to take a nap. This also applies if it’s an afternoon class and you just want to.
10. IMPORTANT: All assignments are optional. If the syllabus utilizes verbiage such as “mandatory” or “75 percent of your grade,” these are just bougie synonyms academia uses in place of “optional” to make them sound smart.
11. If you do choose to do an assignment (but why would you?), make sure to answer no more than 25 percent of the questions correctly. Even if you know the right answers. You must set your professor’s expectations of your abilities low, but not so low that he gives you a passing grade out of pity. The goal here is to create the illusion that you are capable of more if you would put in just a little more effort.
12. Under NO circumstances will you put in just a little more effort.