In this day and age of online shopping and working from home, who wants to drive places anymore? Just remember these tips, and soon, you’ll never have to!

1. Traffic “laws” are really just suggestions (Remember: Your Audi, Your Choice).
2. Don’t hurt anyone with your car. But if a pedestrian is taking too long in the crosswalk, go ahead and give them a little nudge.
   
3. Play the long game: Several months before your registration is due to renew, you will receive a reminder by email or postal service. Discard immediately.
4. Practice driving in the wrong direction using One Way streets and single-lane parkways. Once perfected, take it to the Interstate.
5. In fact, even on a two-way street, resist the urge to drive on the correct side.
6. You know what? Fuck it. Drive on the sidewalk. You’re not a lemming.
7. Road rage is your friend. Road signs are not.
8. A little-known fact: The word “Limit” in SPEED LIMIT is fancy law enforcement jargon for “Absolute Bare Minimum - Drive Faster, You Effing Pansy” (do NOT look this up)
9. When you get pulled over (don’t worry, you will), if the officer asks you where you were headed, just stay calm and say, matter-of-factly, “To your mom’s house.” An understated snicker here is acceptable.
10. If he says, “Please step out of the car,” say nothing. Also, do nothing. Complete disregard for authority is essential here.
11. Continued defiance may lead to your arrest. And that’s okay; you won’t have to do anything in prison. (And - bonus! - a criminal record will be a huge red flag for future employers!)
12. IMPORTANT: Under NO circumstances will you pay any fines stemming from this encounter. Having unpaid fines is one of the most effortless ways to lose that license!

Bonus: Eventually, the issuing precinct may take legal action against you have your wages garnished. That gives you just the excuse you need to lose that annoying job of yours. Find out how to successfully get fired in the next edition of The Obligatorian!