Put forth your absolute best effort no more than forty-seven minutes per day. Any more than that, and you risk raising suspicion that you value your job..

TODAY'S LESSON: How to Successfully Lose Your Job

C’mon. Nobody wants to work (there’s like, soooo much stuff on Netflix). Just use any (or all) of these easy tips, and you won’t have to for much longer! Enjoy your freedom!

  1. Upon hire, vehemently refuse to sign the company’s sexual harassment policy. When questioned, argue that the word “consent” is subjective.
  2. Your office phone should always and exclusively be used for personal calls.
  3. Wear a bright yellow fez, oversized sunglasses, and a “Not the Mama” Dinosaurs t-shirt to the big department meeting. When you are (inevitably) told you look unprofessional, tell them you prefer the term “fun-professional.”
  4. When Back to School season comes around, your office should have all the supplies your kids need. Pens, paper, staplers, scissors, laptops - it’s all free for the taking. Go nuts.
  5. If your boss says, “I’d like to see you in my office,” it’s imperative that you respond with, “That’s what your mom said last night.”
  6. IMPORTANT: Responding to emails is optional.
  7. If you do choose to respond, a minimum 21-day waiting period is recommended (35 for those marked “High Priority”).
  8. Decorate your cubicle with semi-nude photos of Richard Karn. When ordered to remove them, say, “I don’t think so, Tim.”
  9. Put forth your absolute best effort no more than forty-seven minutes per day (total). Any more than that, and you risk raising suspicion that you value your job.
  10. The best way to fill the long remaining hours in your workday (without actually working) is to shop online for motorcycles, video games, and child pornography using your boss’s company credit card. Bonus points if you have to break into her office and steal it.
  11. During your annual evaluation, when your boss brings up the things you need to work on, fold your arms and respond with, “Y’mean like I worked on your mom last night?”
  12. When the copier runs out of paper, just throw it out. The window.

Bonus: You’re probably saying, “But E.J., if I lose my job, how will I pay my bills?” And I have great news—YOU WON’T! In fact, this is a fantastic way to begin building an insurmountable pile of debt! Learn more about how to successfully destroy your credit in the next edition of the edWINNERS CIRCLE!


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